nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now