Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I am, perchance
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.