[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start