I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
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piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
This made me smile…
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”