Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.