If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Godspeed, John Glenn
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie