I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.