[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”