Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Squirrels before girls.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.