me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.