“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Bike is short for Bichael.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you