Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise