Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
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My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon