If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
do u think theres a butter planet?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma