Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]