I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
adding to the discourse
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.