buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
😂🤣😂🤣
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.