I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Merry Christmas
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk