Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.