devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Siri: Retweet me.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna