*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs