Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
(by @ZachWeiner )
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf