WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
started wrapping my pills in cheese
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I missed you with all my darts
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.