i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Best seat on the street 😍
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails