Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.