doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
🤭😂
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut