I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
A woman drives into a bar.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]