My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Matt Goss
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.