ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
when dads have a rap battle
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.