Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
bias laundering edition
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”