this… may be the greatest story ever told
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I have never related to anyone more.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”