Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃