The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
sir, my pâté if you please
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”