Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
U talkin 2 me?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.