Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Ugh
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.