I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.