ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos