Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Sunday
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Am getting real tired of your crap…
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.