{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King