women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The photographer’s assistant
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea