There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
You Might Also Like
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.