Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Previously On Persistence 😎
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
SPLOOT
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?