fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.