The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Guantanamo Bae
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat