Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*exercises sarcastically*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth