FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
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When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I’m Sold!
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
he’s doing your taxes
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion