“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’d use my best pan on you.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money