rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit