My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.