ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Word!
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating